usedsuitup | Entry ??? [Fourth Wall]

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Entry ??? [Fourth Wall]

[Barney Stinson is bored. And a Bored Barney is a troublesome Barney. So, he's just exploring Goldenrod today, looking for something to do about his boredom.

Obviously, this means wandering around the Radio Tower and what should he stumble upon? But an open booth.

And so, over the radio waves of Johto comes this announcement.]

Good Evening Johto! Barney Stinson here, and y'know, I was thinking, this place is a pretty weird place. But I've been here a year, and I think I've figured things out pretty much. But it would hardly be fair of me to keep all this expertise to myself, so I figure I might as well share.

So call me with your problems and I'll give you all the benefit of my knowledge. On any sort of matter.

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[Hello, Barney! There is now a man with a very neat bowler hat tapping at the screen with a finger, before realizing that yes, this strange new device is on.]

Oh, there we go! Got that working out, finally...

[He also sounds very, very British.]

So, hmmm, let's see...problems? Well, would you mind terribly if I asked you where I am? My DARSIT seems to have taken the wrong turn on the way to the planet of Anglogophilus and I hope you're not too terribly bothered to tell me what is going on.

...

[Give him a minute as there were a lot of words that don't quite compute. Mostly the name of that planet, but Barney recovers quickly enough because he has all the answers. All of them]

Can do, bro. You're in Johto. Ever hear of pokemon?

Johnto? And Pokemon. Hmmm. Let me think...that game came out in twenty- no, nineteen ninety six, didn't it? The one where you capture all the creatures to use in battles and such.

That's the one. It's the video game come to life pretty much.

[And Barney is forever torn between thinking it's awesome and thinking it sucks]

How absolutely peculiar! A video game coming to life? Reminds me of the time when I came upon the Planet of Soap Operas and everyone kept telling me that I was their brother twice removed or something.

Have you been here long?

Planet of Soap Operas? Wow, glad I didn't end up there.

Little over a year now.

[This is Gorthan who wants as few people as possible to see him right now, since he's reverted back to his original body. He also thinks this is worth a shot. It's perhaps one of the worst evaluations that this super-smart guy has ever made in his life. His voice sounds dark and deep with a secret inquietude.]

Well. Barney, is it? My name is Gorthan. A few days ago, I had the pleasure of meeting this young woman. ... I can safely say that she is the single most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on. I seem to keep thinking of her. Of how absolutely perfect she is.

I am a scientist, a researcher for a major firm. I do not believe in God, or in any supernatural entity. And yet I find myself thanking the infinite bounty of the universe for every single small thing that she does and is. I thank the endlessly cycling nature and its secret wisdom for having combined matter and energy into the flawless cells that form the utter perfection of her body and mind.

I have always been the sort of person who is, as the phrase goes, "married to his job". I have never felt anything like this before, and... [A sigh.] I don't know what to do.

[Oh boy, one of these types. Well, it doesn't sound like Ted but he thinks he can handle it. Probably.]

Sounds like you have a pretty serious crush there, bro. Have you talked to her, or just admired from afar?

... A crush? ... I can't have a crush. It's just not... [Biochemically possible. Though technically, at least in his human body, it is.] ... I am simply not capable of experiencing romantic feelings. I have never been, at any rate.

And even besides that, and regardless of her level of physical and mental development, both being astoundingly above the average, she is sixteen. I am over forty.

I have talked to her. And I believe I know what to say. But... Somehow I don't think it's quite enough.

[Then his tone changes slightly, acquiring a much less grave quality.]

... I feel I want to learn everything about her, and share my everything with her in turn.

[Can you tell he's in denial?]

Woah...over Fourty? That's quite the difference.

[Suspicious Barney is slightly suspicious as even though he's a sleeze, he has his own morals.]

So, you want a relationship with her, but you don't think you're in love with her? Even though it sounds like you are, which is kinda creepy dude. Not gonna lie.

I am not in love with her. If I were, it would be nothing but bad news, and not just because of her age compared to mine.

I do care about her, however, even if my knowledge of her is still limited, which is an entirely new feeling to me. And the fact that this entire situation comes off as creepy to you is precisely the point. I wish to know her better and be close to her as a friend, but at the same time, I don't want to scare her away.

[Just the fact that he's admitting he wants to be friends with somebody is a huge step for him.]

Okay, okay. I think I see what you're saying.

You got some weird secret that would scare her away if she found out?

[Nope, no weird secrets! ... Well, besides the fact that he's in Team Rocket, and then there's the fact that he's a science authority from a planet of militaristic vampires, the fact that he essentially engineers monsters to be used for mass destruction and the fact that countless people all over the Universe are now dead because of him and his work.]

I have a few, yes. And she's intelligent enough to deserve my sincerity and earnestness. But if she ever learns of those secrets, I could lose her forever.

That always makes things a bit more difficult, but in my experience I've found it's easiest just to act natural. If the conversation starts to steer in a direction you don't like, get away from it, but not obviously.

Would these secrets be obvious? Or can you avoid them on a regular basis?

I can avoid mentioning them, yes. I will keep them from her.

[Except that he was persecuted by his own people because of a certain secret he couldn't hide, but that's a whole different story.]

Well, thank you, Barney. Your input was illuminating.

... Ah, where are my manners? Should I have called you 'Mr. Stinson'?

Probably for the best, yeah.

Hey man, I'm just glad I could help. And Barney's fine. [He'd say Mr. Stinson was his father, but...he doesn't know who his dad is so yeah]

Keep me posted, alright?

This world is maddening! Why this bother over bonding with Pokemon?!

[He is a rather mad okra, so please excuse him nearly shouting with apoplexy into the gear.]

[Barney is just going to be annoyingly charming. For now at least]

Because they're cute? And make great pets? That's the best I got.

Decoration then. Nothing more than accessories. Is that what you mean? Something that appeals to the lowliest of pawn's sense of wide eyed wonder.

Well, considering some of them breathe fire or water, I wouldn't just call them accessories. Not to mention this whole world revolves around them.

I am the child of the sun. Creatures being able to breathe fire or water is of no consequence to me. This world could stand to have less of a focus on them.

[Can you tell that he's got a lot of pent up frustration?]

Considering this world revolves around them, I don't think that's happening bro.

[Oh yeah. Well, hopefully Barney can help you deal with that.]

Seems the only way to get anywhere is to care about pokemon deeply.

Surely that's a perfectly good waste of sentiment.

Not really. It's kind of like having a pet.

Tell me of your experience then. Of treating Pokemon as pets. This is a new idea to me.

Seriously? Well, I just sort of treated them like they used to on the TV show. You know, talk to them, feed them, make sure they get enough love and care. They have personalities so it's not hard.

[Incoming youth at the booth! It's just a text, but that's just because he's technologically illiterate at the moment. And the question is embarrassing. Give him time.]

Yeah. Who are you and what's going on?

Me? I'm Barney Stinson and this is my as of now Radio show. That's what's going on.

[. . . fair enough.]

Rin Okumura. I don't listen to radio much. [But he says he can answer anything soooooo...] What sort of problems do you solve?

Whatever you go for me, bro? I do my best to answer any problems!

[GUESS WHO.]

What knowledge would you have to share anyway?

[Aww Romano. He won't admit it but he missed you]

Um, all of it? I've done a lot so I can talk about a lot of things.

[Then they can agree to disagree about agreeing to miss one another!]

. . . Okay, what do you know about pretty girls?

...Have you learned nothing from what I taught you? I know everything there is to know about pretty girls!

D-Don't make it sound like I wasn't listening! [HMPH] Then, what do you do when pretty girl only sees you as a little kid?

Edited 2011-12-28 04:37 (UTC)

For starters, you don't act like a little kid. You have to act like you're older than you are. Girls like maturity.

[And we're just going to. Ignore that future post where he's singing about boogers.]

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Entry ??? [Fourth Wall]

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[Audio.] I hope this is okay. ;;

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[Audio.] The adjective seems appropriate somehow. No idea why. >>;

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[Audio.] Sorry for slow tagging! ;; Finals everywhere...

[Audio.] No worries. I backtag to infinity.

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